A personal story (and my learning)

Just over a year ago my life changed in the blink of an eye when my long term life partner of 28 years died unexpectedly and without any warning in another country.

To receive a phone call out of the blue from the friend who had to impart this news was truly shocking and almost unbelievable.

To begin with I could not take anything in as well as immediately needing to travel abroad.

I entered a complex and at times night marish place dealing with death and its aftermath plus another countries bureaucracy and legal process– not recommended.

We were due to be married last year meaning this situation was additionally poignant with another layer of actions as wedding plans had to be undone.

As Groucho Marx memorably said "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."

I’m now a member of a very exclusive club of people who lose a loved one without warning or preparation without the chance to say ‘goodbye’.

Suddenly the world is a different shape and place.

I am writing about loss knowing a wealth of information and experience exists to draw on whilst acknowledging that everyone’s experience is ‘unique to them’.

You quickly get used to cliches when someone dies. ‘Time is a great healer ‘is a particular phrase I could do without hearing for a while.

So my own ‘cliches’ are that this death has tossed me and my life into a fast moving car (with no seat belts) and there is no map or convenient sat nav to guide my way ahead (being on a journey of ‘grief’ is another cliché that becomes quickly wearisome).

When I thought about loss I started to think about what I have learnt over this past year.

This felt odd to begin with as so much time and energy has been spent on coping with the loss of someone who was such presence in a large portion of my adult life.

I found reflecting on the learning a powerful process which I wanted to share with anyone else in experiencing the same situation – you are not alone.

In no particular order my learning (which don’t include self care, exercise, taking time to feel the sun in my face ‘meaningful’ advice that comes with loss) are:

No-one is coming to save you – whatever the circumstances of your life after a death. This is not a negative, this is a truth and hard fact which if you accept does start to enable you to take control when in free fall.

People will come through for you in unexpected ways – let them help even if they tell you truths you may not want to hear at the time. If they know you well, they are usually spot on. Sometimes it is the people you least expect whose message and contact come at your time of greatest need.

You really find out who your friends are – there will be casualties on this path as some people can’t and don’t want to acknowledge what is happening to you (and them). Try not to let this impact when you question why. It most usually evokes pain from their own experiences, they just don’t know what to say or want you to be as you were before. Conversely I have more friends now as many of his friends are now mine.

You quickly understand what you are made of – I know I am resilient, have a strong and unapologetic sense of self and ability to keep going whatever adversity I am faced with. I can pick myself up when I have reached the ‘final rock bottom (a final rock bottom takes a long time to reach and even then, may not be the last).

You have a right to happiness and creating a new life for yourself – there is a lot of guilt associated with death, it’s not always easy to deal with and no-one warns you about these feelings.

You are the only person who can truly influence the life you build for yourself.

It is ok to eat a lot, drink a lot, not care for yourself, feel self-pity, want to shut out the world and shout ‘why did this happen to me’ and ‘why is my life so unfair’ – this is cathartic. I couldn’t bear the feeling of water on my skin after my partner’s death because I struggled to look after myself. I want anyone to know that it is ok to ‘do you’ for as long as you need to.

You eventually divest yourself of stuff – emotional, physical, mental and social. There is some relief in knowing I never have to celebrate New Years eve again unless I choose to and I’ve donated a hell of a lot of books/DVD’s /CD’s and junk brought home every Sunday from boot fairs (he loved a bargain!).

Make a will, make a will, make a will – ensure you and your important people know where a copy of this will is kept.

Eventually there will come a point where you will ‘fly’ in whatever way works for you.

Hold on, take a breath and look after yourself – there is learning in loss and you will find yours in your own time.

For MM – magic and chaos.

Michaelmas daisies were his favourite flowers.